Today I woke up with a horrible feeling, I'm actually crying as I write this. You know, I got a heart. This small but fast beating heart. And it beats for John and Edward Grimes more than it beats for anything else. The fact that it's beating to keep me alive is NOTHING against the way it beats for them. But the thing that is so hard for me to take is that I can't do anything to show it.

I want to buy all those posters, all their singles and CD's, I wanna go to every show in Germany to support them, I wanna do a cool picture that shows my love, I wanna make a fanvideo that's just as amazing as some that I've seen. I wanna give them something cool, something to show how much they mean to me, how they changed my life. But I can't, I can't really do anything. I'm not good at doing things. I can't even afford to buy a magazine with them in anymore. I feel like I'm not doing anything to repay them for everything they've done for their fans, for me. I know they would never ask for it but when I see what others do for them, what they CAN do for them, I feel like shit to be honest.

I've always been the one who CAN'T. I can't do that maths equation. I can't run that fast. I can't play football. I can't sing very well, even though I will never stop trying. There's many thing I can't do, and those things I can accept. There's other things I can do, that I'm actually good at. But I never thought I would feel like this. This feeling.. I just can't take it. It's messing up my mind. I CAN'T DO ALL THOSE THINGS I WISH I COULD DO TO SHOW MY LOVE. It's driving me mad. I feel like such a failure. I'm actually so disapointed in myself.

I love them more than anything. I know already I will never love any artists as much as I love them. Any guys, no, never. Cause they will never be John & Edward. I love them more than I love my life, cause without them I wouldn't have one worth living. They've changed me so much, if it wasn't for them I'd be waking up at some random place after a party, I'd go to some school trying to be something I'm not. Because of them I've realized who I am and who I want to be. And they showed me that I NEVER should give up trying to be that person. And for that, I owe them so much. So much, I will never be able to give them...

I have to stop writing, I can barely see my keyboard cause I'm crying. This hurts so bad. Kärlek.